I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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