I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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