1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
