Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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