I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
