I hate all girls vehemently.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
