Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
