I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
