Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
