when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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