Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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