Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
