i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
