Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
