Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
