im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
