you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
