We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
