i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
