What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
