I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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