New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
