I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
