Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
