you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
