i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The beer is more important than you right now.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
