the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
