When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
