he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
