Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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