I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
don't judge my taste in strippers
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
