The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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