i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Success! We fucked roommates!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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