the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
