I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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