He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
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