the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
