dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm jealous of your bromance
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
