my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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