I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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