mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
