Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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