Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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