if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
