Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
