Sry I called you an 8
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
