if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
