So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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