She is in my trunk
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
