it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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