dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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