I puked a lego.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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