Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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